Let's sum up my 2010 yeah?

• Celebrated New Year with my own friends for the first time and it was incredibly AWESOME! Even went swimming with just shorts and no undies at The Central Clarke Quay early morning. No worries, all girls!
• Had a few overnight stay at Hotel 88 at Geylang with my girlfriends. That was awesome too!
• Got to know 2 butch who liked me. And they even had a tiff for months because of yours truly.
• Went on a short holiday with Love to KL for the first time ever. And my first time travelling alone with my own boyfriend to overseas!
• Went for my first car prac and ONLY prac. -__-
• Got my first full-time job as a Recep/Admin.
• Got him back after 14 crucial months of waiting.
• Celebrated my 22nd birthday at Downtown East chalet. Done by Love and my friends. First time!
• Fall out with one of my bestest girls. But things are back to normal. And another fall out with my new bestest girls too. But things fall back into place after a few months.
• Frequent JB trips.
• Worked in a Nightclub for the first time. Atleast now I know how it feels like to be working in a dark and NOISY place.

I think that sums everything. Well most. I hope 2011 will be better! Car liciense in my hands finally? Insyallah. Have a great NEW YEAR and I wish the only best to all my love ones. May 2011 be better for all of us. :)

The bitch in me is back. Or it never did left?

I've been googling alot about this. And it helps that there are girls out there who is feeling the same way as me. What feeling you may asked?

I feel angry all the time with my boyfriend.

Whatever he said or do, i will definitely get angry. Especially if it involves people that I don't like, random girls who I've never met before, him treating me unfairly. I HAVE SO MANY THINGS THAT I'M UNHAPPY ABOUT WITH HIM.
It's our routine now to fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can't even remember when was the last time we had a peaceful day. I don't know if it's just ME or HIM??? HELP??

I am sure there is something wrong somewhere. Am I too insecure? Too demanding? Too possesive? Too jealous?? Is this a way for me to push him away because I'm too scared to get hurt? What the fuck is the problem??

It's not like he's cheating on me. (He's not right?!) It's not like he don't spent enough time with me right? (IT MIGHT BE) I always have this thinking that he's gonna find someone else better, prettier or smarter then me. And FUCK FACEBOOK. It has created a whole lot of problems between us. Be it status, pictures, comments, adding someone new etc. I honestly feels like our relationship won't be this bad if it wasn't for FB.

I honestly don't know what else to do. It's driving me mad. Is there a pill to help me control my feelings? I need to control my temper and anger. It's getting out of hand for fuck sake! I want to cry. :(

I love him. I know I still do. But why are we fighting everyday? I know it's always me who starts everything. If I love him, why am I always angry at him? Why is there ALWAYS something that he does or say that will make me angry? I'm so fucking confused. What is happening to me?

One more day till 2011. I want to be someone better. I want to stop being this way. I need to learn to be patient and more understanding. For 2011, I just hope to live a happy life with those people whom I love. My family, him and my friends.

Amin.

OMG. I've been hearing my girlfriends getting played by their boyfriends behind their back these past few days. And it really pisses me off!!

If there's one thing that I cannot tolerate,EVER. Is my boyfriend contacting other girls behind my back. I FUCKING CAN'T AND WON'T TOLERATE THIS KINDA SHIT I TELL YOU. I will definitely, without even giving a second thought, will break up with him. No doubt about that. Because I truly believe, once he cheats on you, he will continue cheating throughout the relationship. So to save my ass before it's too late, I rather walk away now then later. Get hurt now then hurt even deeper later. Seriously.

Once a womaniser, will be a womaniser till he's old and bald with bulging tummy. Men can cheat even at the age of 60. Trust me.

Yes, it's definitely easier said then done. You fucking love this guy and you just can't bear to leave him. But think,if he really loves you,he won't do this to you. He'll make sure everyone knows that he is simply inlove with you and he wants to be with you and ONLY YOU.
To me, the first few steps is always the hardest. Yes I know it's fucking hard to let go someone you once love so much. But after awhile, it will get easier. Take one step at a time. :)

All girls deserve a guy who truly loves her and only HER.

A quick update.

I wasn't alone on Christmas afterall. ;)
A much needed break is all I need. And I got it.
Definitely some distractions to keep my mind off things for awhile.

You had your fun, I definitely had mine too. ;)

I guess I'll be alone on Christmas Day.

Just like last year.

Sigh.

Can't help to wonder.. When guys did some mistakes, even major ones, girls only sulk for a few hours before forgiving them. And the worst part sometimes, they like to turn the tables around.
But when girls did some mistakes, it took them a day or a few days to actually forgive and move on. Where's the fairness?? Everyone make mistakes! Why can't they just get over it and move on like we girls??

I feel unfair sometimes when he does this to me. He has done a lot of mistakes towards me for the past 3 years but most of the time, I'll just sulk for a few hours before talking to him again. But usually, even if he's the one at wrong, I have to be the one to look for him and beg him to forgive(forgive for what fuck I did also I don't know) me.

And the recent one was the one he did that took 14 months of his life AND MINE. I can choose to not talk or send him any letters or even visit him throught that period of time because I was so super dissapointed in him. But you know what? Without even thinking, I choose to forgive and move on. Infact I choose to wait somemore. For 14 months, I could have met someone new. But I didn't because I still wanted to be with you.

But why can't he do the same FOR ME? Why can't he forgive me when I did a mistake? Why do I have to go through being given the cold shoulders for days?? While I can forgive him EVERY SINGLE TIME WHEN HE DID THE SAME OLD MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN? WHY??????

Yes I know I said somethings that I shouldn't have. LIKE YOU NEVER DID?! But I said sorry after that didn't I? I know that I've made a mistake but I pushed all my ego aside to SAY SORRY. Because I TREASURE THIS RELATIONSHIP MORE THEN MY EGO.

But I guess to him, the mistakes I did was deadly and I deserve to be given the cold shoulders. For days, weeks. I don't know. And I probably don't deserve to be given another chance for this. Because I keep doing the same mistakes over and over again. And he had enough.
U'huh. Like I never had enough with him lying to me about the same old things only to find it out on my own.

WhatI'm trying to say is, JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET. That's what makes the relationship last long. Compromise! People make mistakes.

Oh well. I've already said my piece. I just hope I can get through this. I know I can. Just pretend that he's not here. Maybe things will get easier. And maybe just maybe, I can move on with my life.

I did it again. FML.
It's just so hard for me to control myself sometimes.

I've been feeling very cranky these past few days/weeks/months. Especially towards him and I don't know why. Is it because we are too used to each other already? Is it FINALLY taking a toll on us? I don't know.

I was already building up so much angst in me, so when he finally blowed on me, I thought this is it. This is the best time to just get over it and done with. I took the easier way out. Breaking up. I can't even be bothered to answer his questions when he tried talking to me. I just don't care. But after he left, when we board the cab, tears just starts to stream down my face. I tried so hard not to cry but it was too heavy, I just need to let it go. I was probably too angry, I started to send him break up msgs. And he didn't reply to any except for one. I don't blame him because I know this has happened way too many times. He's probably immuned to it. But this was the worst case I guess. I even told him to take back the necklace that I'm wearing now. I just couldn't take it any longer.

Whatever I said was never from my heart. That was my feelings talking. I don't want you to not contact me. I never want you to leave me. I still need you.

I know the damage is done. I will accept anything that comes in later. It's probably my fault this thing happened. As for now, I think it's best we both take a day or 2 to just be alone. It's for the best. We are almost choking each other to death!

Whatever happens next, I don't know. But what I know is everything happens for a reason. And what I truly know is that I still love him so fucking much and I still need him in my life. I can't live without him. :'((

And like what Aishah said, why let go of something that I've hold on for so long??

Baby, come back. I miss you. I miss being happy with you.

We turned 3 years and 5 months yesterday.

Been through hell and back again.

It's not new but it's not that old either.

I still keep falling inlove with you especially those 'gazing into each other's eyes moment'. Hee.

We fight hard.

Both trying to get the message across.

I've always been the water in this relationship.

But now, if it's not my fault, I won't be apologising.

Unlike last time.

Anyway whatever it is, I still love you baby.

I hope you will be the only guy in my life to catch me whenever I fall.

Forever and beyond, I will be there.

I will always love you my sweetest Faizrul.

Look at how young we look!! Hahaha.

One of my favourites this year.

First few picture together for 2010.

I'm gonna keep holding on to you.

My busuk masam babyboy!

Look at how much we've grown throughout the 3 yrs plus. Hearts baby.

I love you my babylove.

I'm gonna be writing a long wordy post. Get ready. Bored? You know what to do.

So 2010 is gonna leave us pretty soon. How time flies huh? It feels like just a few weeks ago I celebrated my New Year with my awesome friends at The Central. Now it's time for another New Year celebration!

2010 has been full of ups and the downs. That's a normal thing in life. One minute you feel so happy and loved, the next minute you down in the dumps. I've created stronger bonds with my ex colleagues which are now my good friends. Thank God for them. I was 'single' 3/4 of the year so I've learnt how to be independant and how to rely on me,myself and I. Even though sometimes friends are still around to give you a helping hand. Friends quarell but we kiss and make up. Like couples gitu! I've experience new things in life. Like working in a club, getting to know new fun/irritating/weird people. To be honest, I really thank God for giving the time to get to know myself, like how strong I can be. Because before all that, I've always relied on him for everything. It's like my world revolve around him and only him. So when he was no longer there to provide me with all the support that I needed, I was forced to create a world of my own. And I did. And yeah, I did have fun throughout. So now I know if ever a time where I have to go through that again, I know I will survive on my own.

But the shitty thing is, after he's back, I became the girl that I used to be! Which I honestly am very dissapointed. With myself! I was getting used to that carefree life and suddenly BAM! I'm back to where I started. That is why I've made a new resolution for myself for 2011. I shall talk about that later. But anyways, of course without a doubt, I'm happier with him around. Even though sometimes or shall I say most of the time we fight. Even about the slightest thing. Sometimes I do wish he could understand my feelings better. Even after 3 years, he doesn't know what makes me tick and what makes me happy? I think he does but he still doesn't fully understand about it. But it's ok. Atleast he's better then other guys, which I am very thankful for.

Anyway, being a VERY CARING GF, it is VERY tiring. Seriously. It's like you care too much for that person and you put so much expectations in him but in the end, he didn't meet to your expectations and all you get is a BIG DISSAPOINTMENT. And the feeling sucks to the maximum.

Like you wished he spents more time with you but he spents more time on his friends instead.
You wished he will tell you everything but he don't because all you end up doing is nag. Which he obviously hate.
It's not nag. It's an advice which you mistook it for nagging. Most of the time.
So my NEW YEAR resolution shall be...........................................................
Speak when nessasary and care only when needed. Which I have a big problem with that. Because I just love to shoot my mouth at him whenever I find something that I'm unhappy about. And that makes us fight. And I care too much like I wanna know EVERYTHING. He feels suffocated.

I should turn like Furr. Starts to care lesser and lesser. Its a good thing! Because when you care lesser, your expectations drop. And when it drops, you won't get a big dissapointment when things don't go your way. So when shit happens, it still does hurt you but not as bad!! It's like ' damn! why the fuck he did that!! ..................... oh well... whatever. '.
I WANT THAT WAY!!!!! I hate being dissapointed. Seriously. If only he know how hurtful it is sometimes...

Bad habits die hard so I'm telling myself to start training by now...

I still love him. Definitely. But sometimes it gets too overwhelming, I just feel like running away from him and just let him be. And let him live his life the way he wants.

The day I stopped fighting, is the day my heart has closed for you. But I hope it won't happen.
I still wanna build a future with you....

If only you knew...

I've always have something in mind to blog about. But whenever I finished doing a long entry, I tend to save it then publish it for strangers to read. Or if not, I delete it. One, maybe because it's too wordy. Second, it's personal and thirdly, no one probably cares. But then again, this is MY blog.

I'm currently at work on a Saturday morning while most of you are probably still in your sweet dreams. My eyes are starting to shut. I barely have anything to do except for surfing the net!

Anyway, yesterday was an unplanned chilling out session with bf and his 2 friends. Honestly, I prefer mixing with guys then girls. It seems like guys are more relaxed and not judgemental as girls. And they don't bitch a lot. I know because I'm a girl. Heh. And I'm the kinda person who need some time to open up to people. Especially to girls. Because I'm constantly thinking what are they thinking about me, what the heck is she talking about and so on. And girls are very lecehhhhhh. The more girl friends you have, the more drama there is in your life. Seriously. That's one of the reason why I only have a handful of tight girlfriends. And I'm already happy with what I have.

Being overly known is also not good. Because people tend to talk about you. Your face so damn common, everyone in Singapore knows you. BORING. Nothing more to know. Especially for girls. When a popular girl mix around with lots of guys, she's been called a slut. And guys can talk shit saying so and so slept with her and bla2. You get the drift. Well same goes to guys. A popular guy who mix with lots of girls is a PLAYBOY. Enough said.

I'll be working later on with Bf. I don't know. I think we had a mini tiff yesterday night after the chilling out session. It all started from one question.

Let's not talk about it shall we? If it happens, it happens. If not, maybe GOD has better plans for the both of us.

Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Tumblr etc.

How did they became such a hit??Everyone I know has a Facebook App on their phone. Literally everyone! I'm guilty as such. And checking our Fb profile is as easy as 123! You don't even need to be home to check it out! Right at the palm of your hands.

But is Facebook doing more harm than good? I signed up for this ticket to hell in 2007. It wasn't so big back then. I find it totally complicating so I ignored. And then one day I think I caught him checking out his Facebook. And so, I decided to log in back to my account. And having a good memory, I remembered my password. From there slowly it grows................................
To be honest, I rather stick to Friendster. It wasn't so bad as Facebook. Seriously.

And as a girl and like many many girls out there, I do feel insecure sometimes because of this piece of shit. Assuming is the root of all problems. Really. And Facebook is an open space where people can look around. BUT. You can also hide certain things from certain people. MAN, THIS SHIT IS DESIGN TO CREATE TROUBLE. Have you ever read anywhere about people breaking up their marriage or relationship because of this? THERE'S THOUSANDS OUT THERE! How scary right??!! I hope I won't be the next victim.

Can we just turn back to where apples and blackberry are just fruits?

To be honest, I am really worried about my future. This is something that I think about almost everyday.

I wished I could turn back time and take my 'O' levels. Things will definitely be different if I did. One thing that I truly regret for the rest of my life. Why oh why didn't I think about my future last time??!!! So fucking stupid. I passed comfortably in my 'N' levels. That means I could take any course I want in any ITE. Oh fuck. No use talking about this anyway.

Anyway as I was saying, the future scares me. I still have no idea what I wanna do in my life. Actually I DO. But, I don't have the certs nor the skills. My dream job is to work in the CBD area. Yes. That's my dream job alright. Wearing office clothes and high heels. Carrying a designer bag. I've always imagined myself working there. But too bad, it's gonna take a lot to make that dream come true.

Already told my mum about the course that I'm planning to take next year. I really really hope they will agree on it. That's just one step closer to my dream. It sucks being 22 with no stable job. Even though I'm a girl, I still feel pressured to have a good job! I always think that I need to be independant, financially. Even though I can just let my husband provide me when I'm married, I don't want to. It doesn't feel the same. And who knows, one day he'll leave me? And I got no job, no cert, what the hell am I gonna do? Oh yeah, I think wayyyyyy ahead. And by the looks of it, it's gonna take both husband and wife to work to live comfortably in the future. Things are just getting wayyyyyyyy expensive!

Oh gosh. Am I worrying too much?

How's your weekend?

Mine was fun. But it wasn't fun all the time. We ALMOST didn't go Zoukout. We had the tickets. We were already at Sentosa. BUT, some muthafarker almost ruined our night.
We got the counterfeit tickets!!! Ya. OH.MY.GOD
I almost wanted to cry ok! We fucking bought the tix at $70 each and no we are not allowed to enter?? But we played on. We managed to take back our tickets and we zoomed off to the next entry. The entry to Sin City.

I had a big feeling that we will be rejected. But, I guess luck was still on our side We managed to pass through!!!! A BIG SIGH. If not I think we will be in the hotel, drinking and having our own misery party. KANASAI. Fuck to the person we gave that tickets. I HOPE ALL THE MONEY YOU GET, WILL BRING BAD LUCK IN YOUR LIFE. EVERY LITTLE CENT.

Big lesson eh! No wonder it's cheaper. COS IT'S FUCKING FAKE! Ade udang disebalik batu! It was majorly packed like shits. When DJ Tiesto starting playing, it became so much worse!!!! I've never been to a place where it's so tight, you can't even move an inch! You can't even dance la siak. We only stayed for like, 5 10 mins? Cos we just couldn't take the heat and crowd. WHAT A BIG DISSAPOINTMENT. :( Same goes to David Guetta. Those stupid people who keeps saying Tiesto and Guetta will only be on screen, well too bad! You missed the chance. Ar pergilah percaye ape orang2 cakap. Ha Ha Ha. Some were like so confident sia. No, Tiesto and Guetta won't be coming! Bla3. Shut the fuck up.

Anyway I still had a good time there. Especially with Love by my side. It's definitely different going with friends and him. I feel safer. :) Reached back to our Hotel around 8. Slept till 12pm and off we go.

Pictures are with him. Not much though.

We will definitely be buying the original tickets from Sistic itself for next year Zoukout.

I am feeling so sad and angry. More to angry.

I thought after knowing me for 3 years, you probably already got the idea what kinda person I am.

What makes me tick.
What makes me happy.
What makes me angry.
And what makes me sad.

But it don't seem like you do. So what are you saying? That all this 3 years plus being together is just a waste of time? You don't even know me, yet?? How long do you take to understand my feelings?? 100 years?? It's not like I don't show or talk about the way I feel. I do, A GAZILLION TIMES. But you still don't get it?!!!!!

Oh my God.

I've nothing else to say.

I simply can't wait for next year February. 3 things to look forward to.

A new camera! DSLR to be preferred. Got to find a good one to buy for next year. Saw this one at Panasonic shop at Jurong Point. The camera power giler babissxxxx!! It is super clear nak mampos and its auto micro! Price tag, $2000+.
Other then that, Nikon or Canon will be the choice. But no idea which one is the best. Any ideas? And maybe can pyscho my dad to buy a compact camera also like Lumix x3!! I've been wanting that camera since early this year.

My driving liciense!! Hopefully I can get it before I turn 23.

A private Diploma in something that I wanna do till old. Private Diploma in Secretary or Business Admin most probably.

For DSLR and my driving liciense will be fully sponsored by Dad which I AM VERY VERY THANKFUL FOR. Private Dip will also be paid by my Dad, first. After which I have to pay back lah. It's for my own good also. It's so hard to find a good job with a good pay. With a Diploma in hand, things will be better. For myself and for my future. Insyallah.

I've been reading about stories regarding friends who flirts with their friend's boyfriend and apparently, it happened to many girls out there.

And yes, sometimes guys are too oblivious to even notice that somebody(girls) are flirting with them. Guys are bad are picking up hints and such. Well it happened to me before and to be honest, I still cannot forget about what has happened. There are girls rule in a friendship. One, never date your friend's ex. Second, NEVER flirt with your friend's boyfriend. I don't give a shit if you're a flirting whore and practically flirts with every guy you talked to but I'll give a shit if you start to flirt with mine. That is something that I will never tolerate in a friendship.

And yes, it hurts much more then strangers flirting with my boyfriend. Because you trusted that person. You trusted her to not hurt you in any way. Doesn't mean you are my closest buddy, you have the right to treat MY boyfriend like YOUR boyfriend. Understand? No way I'm gonna share my boyfriend with anybody else. Not even a BESTFRIEND.

And me being me, I always need to seek advice from friends around. And most say stay away from her. Make less contact with her. Meet less often and even if you plan to meet one day, don't bring him along. Well, she is a very good friend. But her flirtatious side makes me wanna gag. I didn't notice that side of her all this while because boyfriend wasn't around. Only when they finally met, I start to notice how freaking flirtatious she is. I don't mind that she's flirty lah of course! But stop behaving that way with my boyfriend.

I know you ever told me you like guys who are crazy.........like him. Uhuh. Even to the extend of telling me you met this new guy who is exactly like my boyfriend and you like it. From her own words ' he is exactly like Zul! I likeeeeeee~ '. HMMMM OK. But too bad, he's all mine. You can only dream of making him yours ok? Pfft!

I was secretly extremely happy when you told me you're not going Zoukout. Thank God!!! Or else, I'm sure I wont have a good time there..

I know I sound evil but really, once you crossed the line, I can never see eye to eye with you again. And till this very day, I still feel the hurt that you've caused. And I can never forget that.

I feel like doing something fun. Something that I've never done before? Any ideas??
Life is so boring. Where's the excitement?? It's like I'm stuck in a routine. And there's nothing to look forward to. How can this beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???

Get a body piercing? Good idea! Neck piercing would be so cool!
Go on G-Max?? I've yet to try this. Been telling him I wanna bring him there. :X But one person around 40$ can be quite ex right? Might as well we eat buffet at Carousel! Yummy. Oh sushi buffet. Correct or not??
Wakeboarding?? Can try if we go Sentosa.
Whatelse seyyyyyyyyy? :(

Haiyo. No ideas!

Anyway, I really really hope Dad's gonna sponsor my driving licience next year. He told me if I want, he can sponsor. SURE OR NOT DAD??! Walau if really ar, I want lah siak of course!! And buy a DSLR camera!!! Told mum about sharing some money to buy one and she said my dad might just buy one himself. He's gonna get some money from somewhere la cannot tell. Not haram money eh! Halal one ok. But I really do hope this two will come true!! I would be soooo happppppyyyyyyyyy! Ok enough.

One more week till Zoukout 2010. Not feeling the excitement yet though.

My pay will be this Sunday but I hope I can get it by this tomorrow. Ok bye!

See the mood.

I realised something.

I'm fine when we're together.
But i tend to get easily irritated or feeling angsty whenever we're apart.

Like things he say makes me flare up quite easily. Especially when changing smses. But when we meet, everything is quite ok unless he says something that can make me angry.

And when im angry, its best that i distance myself from him and stop all the texting immediately. Because if i continue, the small problem can turn rather big. Cos i loveeeeee to say things that triggers his wire. An eye for an eye. He makes me angry, i make him angry too. Fair or not?? Mcm biase gak. Perempuan kan suke exxagerate. Example, me!!

Fuck off you annoying asshole!